Clint Westwood, the voice from the wild yonder

What's up with Arkansas?

2008-02-10T13:46:00.000-08:00

Besides being the only state that has legislated the pronunciation of it's name, we now have this trend. One of many similarly themed videos available on Youtube. Remember, this is the man who pardoned Keith Richards of his charges in that great state (DUI related, I presume.)

To quote one commenter: "maybe he can jam with Ted Nugent. It'd be awesome to see him playing Cat Scratch Fever after being inaugurated." -Kingkongster

A brief dictionary of discriminating terms

2007-12-20T22:30:00.002-08:00

I was at a dinner party recently with some friends, two of whom recently got married. At one point someone asked him how the "marriage thing" suited him and he responded that she's his hot bitch. To our surprise, and relief, the only person in the room not offended by his remark was she. She says she's happy to be his hot bitch, or sugar mama, or babydoll, but takes issue on the other hand with being his old woman, or ball and chain. You know, this makes sense to me, that even though they all essentially refer to the same thing, they have distinct meanings, and a guy's got to carefully choose the right made up term to express what you mean. On the other hand, if they weren't getting along, he'd have had options to subtly express that.

Another example is a half-Japanese friend of mine who laid out for me a slough of terms to describe her type: hapa, twinkie, crackerjap, wapanese, etc. Descriptors like these break the half-Japanese notion down into discriminating terms that play the nuances of their reference. Derogatory often, sure, but descriptively so. And sometimes you need something with a bit more bite. I think we need more.

Here's a brief visual dictionary of one suggestion along these lines.

Masculine

Muskuline

Maskuline

Missculine

Mesculine

Mosqueuline

I might need to flesh this out a bit more...

Things I've learned from my father

2007-12-14T07:29:00.000-08:00

Electrical energy into mechanical is an inefficient conversion

I may be the descendant of a concubine of a Dutch king

Bad puns + Heresy = $$

2007-12-08T11:48:00.001-08:00

On a recent trip to Boulder I noticed a shop called Zen and Now. This is why I can't stand Boulder. Clean hippies have always rubbed me the wrong way, and there's something suspicious about a town where the bums hold signs with pleas like "Too young for medicare, too old for women to care."

I don't know what is sold at Zen and Now, but I do know that retail has about as much to do with Zen as eggnog has to do with Easter. Even so, continuing the spirit of blasphemy for profit, here are a few ideas of my own:

Jehovah Hut Coffee Shop
Bible study groups meet at 10am.

Yahweh or the Highway
New dashboard navigation devices in stock

Bah'ai Now, PayAg'in Later Credit Services
Okay, this one's a stretch

Clear Confucian Senior Living
Honoring your senile elders doesn't mean you have to live with them

Taze Allah! Securities, inc.
Winning the war on terrorism starts in the home.

Holey Cross Recycled Wood
It's still sturdy enough for your son's treehouse

I reserve the right to royalties from any of these.

Fringe ticklers

2007-10-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

Telephone conversation I had with a library patron recently:

Patron: Is Lenore there?

Me: No, she's off today. Can I take a message?

Patron: Well...are you a librarian?

Me:...

Patron: I mean, are you a reference librarian? Can you do reference.

Me: I can try.

Patron: Okay I need you to look up the "Today's New International Version", you know the NIV?

Me: ok...

Patron: But I need the "TODAY'S New International Version." It's different, not the NIV.

Me: I underst...

Patron: It's a different version. I'm pretty sure you have a copy of it, but make sure it's the one that says "TODAY'S New International Version", not the regular NIV

Me: I found it on the web.

Patron: Oh, it might be there.

Me: I'm at a website called http://www.tniv.info/

Patron: Oh, okay. Now I need you to turn to first Corinthians, chapter 6.

Me: [type type] okay.

Patron: Okay, now read verse 9.

Me: "Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor practicing homosexuals..."

Patron: Wait, okay, what was that last part?

Me: ...Practicing Homosexuals.

Patron: I knew it! Thank you. [click]

List for this lazy saturday afternoon

2007-10-11T17:56:00.000-07:00

Seasons of the Simpsons, in their entirety, that should be left unreleased on DVD, unarchived, and completely forgotten:

18

17

16

15

14

13

12

11

10

half of 9

Hatch (R-Utah) has given up his child-eating ways

2007-10-04T17:29:00.000-07:00

Whether or not the rumors of Orrin Hatch's "kiddie freezer", wherein he keeps various body parts from a diverse group of multi-ethnic children (mostly poor), are anything more than hearsay, the senator has taken a stance that will at least throw doubt on his snacking habits. As Pres Bush vetoed the bi-partisan CHIP (Children's Healthcare Insurance Program) bill, Hatch emerged as one of the move's top critics.

"Sleazy bastard," Hatch remarked in reference to the president while backing senate majority leader Harry Reid at the important pulpit on the senate floor. That was the only interesting nugget I could gather from the nonsensical blathering about "this precedent" and "those poor children" exchanged between the parties.

Personally, I've given him the benefit of the doubt on this one by allowing myself to consider the possibility that the senator's alleged midnight "rejuvenating, power snacks" of "tender loins" or "aged wine with soft liver" might be untrue, or at least exaggerated. Even so, I think he's pushing the compassion button really hard here. Who is going to believe that he cares for poor children the most? He may have lost touch with reality. He cares about children? Maybe. The cute ones, at least (the rumor goes that he only eats ugly kids.) But poor kids? That's an offense against freedom, twice over.

Of course, this could all just be the result of a shortage of lean, healthy kiddies. Maybe he's getting tired of sickly or fatty drumsticks. That's the suspicion at the Hang Your Hat cafe where I came across this information over my morning coffee and gristle. If you ever stop in I'd recommend the naturally corned-beef: the corn-fed cows 'round these parts just start tasting that way.

The men around town

2007-08-30T17:32:00.000-07:00

I saw a cougar in a tree once. Poor thing was huddled high up as he could climb, carefully eyeing the half-dozen hunters surrounding the tree's trunk, each of whom was loosly handling his manly mechanism. Only took one bullet to drop the poor creature, of course, so most left the scene with only vicarious satisfaction, you know, like from an all right dirty magazine. Can't say I blame the men for any sort of cruelty; if the tables had been turned, the cougars would have done the same--and eaten him like savages. Cruel animals, those cats. And I'll tell you with certainty that they're no more moral than a man with a gun and the godless thirst to watch death happen. None better. Trust me. What I saw wasn't some misconceived, self-aggrandizing encounter of man v. wild, no, it was the way God made us all: wild v. wild.

The West is still wild, and I'm on a mission to show it to the world. Check in periodically to read stimulating accounts of the New Western Adventure (NWA) including my encounter with a moose, my encounter with a snake, the squirrel I thought was a larger animal, the old man in the library who reads only Readers Digest from the 1950s, the rusted bike axle that was no match for my hammer, and my high noon showdown with the bank. The metropolitan lifestyle of back East won't do out here; no, friends, there's no point scheduling appointments with nature. Sometimes she keeps them, but sometimes she cancels without calling.

I'll start with a list from my past.

Nicknames of 5 men from my hometown and one notable thing about each:

High Pockets
Jungle Bunny
Our x-rated neighbor
Mud Duck
Joe the Potter

Each, respectively:

Paid me for babysitting his children one night with the rusted shell of a motorcycle.

While my adult supervisor at scout camp, in retaliation for my having poured a cup of water on his head, dragged me out of my tent, down the hillside, into a creek and held my head underwater for 10 seconds. Later made fun of me in front of the other scouts for reacting poorly.

Tried once to warn my brothers and I of my parents, while chuckling, “Look, I know firsthand: if the truck’s a-rockin’, don’t…” Was cut off abruptly.

While leading a small group of teens on a multi-day hike, got lost for two hours on his own property.

Accused me of plagiarizing his Sunday school lessons in a brief speech I delivered to our congregation. I was 12.