Bosworth's Bloggers - Matt

Try a Little Bitterness

2008-04-14T20:45:00.003-05:00

Like most news junkies, I've been paying attention to Sen. Barack Obama's so-called gaff in referring to rural Pennsylvanians as "bitter." I don't think his comments are as inflammatory as some would like, and I certainly don't think Obama is elitist. But I like this story, because I have been entertained by some of the headlines, which have creatively punned on the word bitter. For example, MSNBC had the tag "Obama's 'bitter' pill" on one show and "Obama's 'bitter' End?" on another. Great stuff, but we need to go further. How about ...

--Pennsylvania: I can't believe it's not bitter
--Obama versus Hillary: bitter take all
--Obama, bitter off dead?
--Bittersweet minus sweet equals Obama
--Hillary: All bark, no bitter
--Obama charged with "assault and bittery"

The Karate Kid (Ralph Macchio) Endorses Obama

2008-04-07T10:09:00.002-05:00

I recently saw a report analyzing the "news" that Ralph Macchio, star of "The Karate Kid," "The Karate Kid Part II," and "The Karate Kid Part III" but not "The Next Karate Kid," is supporting Sen. Barack Obama for president. Macchio apparently expressed support for the candidate as far back as February, but it took some time for the news to reach the mainstream media. (Side note: the search string "Ralph Macchio Obama" returns zero results on Google news, while the search "Ralph Macchio dead" returns three stories.) Some may find Daniel San's endorsement odd, but I can think of at least a half dozen reasons why the alliance is an appropriate one:

Obama's campaign, like the Karate Kid films, represents a message of transcendent racial unity.
Obama, like the Karate Kid, wishes he could win current contest with a well placed crane kick.
Both Obama and Macchio look cooler when Peter Cetera song "Glory of Love" plays in the background.
Villains in Karate Kid wear black "Cobra Kai" karate outfits, so you know they're bad. ... Neocons use less subtle tactics, like preemptive war and suspension of Habeas corpus.
The fourth (and final?) Karate Kid movie stars Hilary Swank. If the Obama campaign fails, it may also be followed by a derivative, poorly made sequel starring someone named Hillary.
Mr. Miyagi would make a great "Secretary of Kicking Ass." (While Pat Morita, who played Miyagi, died several years ago, he is still in better shape than McCain. If they ever got in a fight, Morita wouldn't even have to throw a punch. he'd just dodge McCain's attacks, causing McCain to punch through several car windows and bloody up his own knuckles. Then Morita would honk his nose and declare victory.)

Watership Down: Good then, great now

2008-03-15T10:40:00.004-05:00

I recently acquired a copy of the 1978 animated movie "Watership Down," based on the famous novel by Richard Adams. I watched this movie over and over again as a child. It's a memorable tale about a psychic rabbit who foresees the violent demise of his entire warren, so he and a few other rabbits escape to form a new rabbit society based on their shared values. Along the way they befriend a bird, knock boots with some domesticated rabbits, and inspire a revolution against a tyrannical mafia-style super rabbit. I recommend the film wholeheartedly, and wanted to highlight some of its most entertaining lessons to help convince you of its merit:

1. Rabbits are bloodthirsty monsters

2. Rabbits have terrible dental care

3. The rabbit grim reaper is a black, floating rabbit head with red glowing eyes who appears when you're on the brink of death.

4. No seventies movie is complete without a psychedelic montage with an Art Garfunkel song playing in the background. (I especially like the part when the sun bleeds.)

"The Straight Talk Express" is a nonstop trip to hilarity

2008-03-07T08:59:00.008-06:00

Man, am I glad Sen. John McCain is the Republican nominee for president. I'm not a big fan of his policies, and I'm not sure I buy that stuff about his being a "Maverick," and I'm definitely not one of those schmoes who actually roots for his enemy because he would be "the easiest to beat." The last time Democrats united behind an ideal enemy, they crossed party lines to help Ronald Reagan get the party nomination. We all know how well that worked out.

No, I'm happy McCain's the guy, but my main reason is simple: his bus, "The Straight Talk Express," has the most potential for ironic retitling/sloganizing. Within a few weeks of his big primary wins I had already heard pundits says the following:

"The straight talk express took a wrong turn."
"Somewhere down the road the wheels fell off the straight talk express."
and even
"The straight talk express has derailed."

I'm pretty sure the last one is a mixed metaphor.

The blog-o-sphere is doing its best to keep up. Today I read a post that claimed McCain's Straight Talk Express had "run off the road and slammed into the out house."

See, the idea is that the name of McCain's bus represents straightforwardnesses, but many people feel he is not always very straightforward. So metaphorically, when bad things happen to the Straight Talk Express" it's like saying McCain has let people down. Get it? It's funny.

The best part is, these metaphors can only get crazier. Think of all the zany things buses can do! By the end of the month, people will be saying things like:

"The Straight Talk Express got lost in the ghetto and ran over a hooker!"
"The Straight Talk Express is lost in space"
"The Straight Talk Express gets poor mileage, since its a bus, and therefore a contributor to the steady influx of greenhouse gases into our atmosphere ... which contributes to global warming."
"The Straight Talk Express has an illegal immigrant driver who will take your job."
"The Straight Talk Express is going gay."
"The Straight Talk Express: Next stop, Hollywood."

This is going to be great...

My Contribution to Psychology

2008-02-26T18:29:00.002-06:00

I have this theory that psychology students and professors alike love it when you make jokes about being crazy. But recently I saw an advertisement on University of Iowa Jobnet for a research subject and thought, what a good time to test my theory. They were looking for someone to "participate in perception, memory, and language experiments," which sounded great. Here's my rough draft ...

Dear Psychology Jesus,

I am very sane and would like to help you find the crazy people and put them away. These lunatics are everywhere. They yell at me a lot. Make them stop we shall. Sign me up, bitches!

So when they read this I figure they'll either be like, "Wow, he's crazy. We need more of that guy in our life" or at the very least, they'll get a good chuckle out of it. (It's funny because I'm mocking their profession.)

Yup, even the old ladies at K-Mart make fun of me

2008-02-23T14:27:00.002-06:00

On Friday I finally faced reality. I broke down and bought a snow shovel. This is the first snow shovel I've owned in Iowa, for two main reasons: I have always lived in an apartment where someone else maintains the sidewalks, and I have a 4x4 pickup truck that can pretty much drive over anything. These two factors made a snow shovel unnecessary for the past two years.

But in the past weeks, weather has been extreme, including snow storms, ice-overs, and consistently frigid temperatures with few if any melts. This weather has been great because it provides even the most disagreeable people (i.e me) with a sinister force to blame their problems on. The old standards--Hillary Clinton and Fluffernutter--only go so far.

Yes, terrible weather is blessing from God, except when it comes to snow/ice removal. So I broke down and went to K-Mart and picked out a reasonably priced snow shovel. I had a great time selecting the item, since there was only one shovel left in the store, then I walked up to the front. This may have been the best part of the experience, since I spent the whole time fantasizing about running into my enemies and hitting them with said shovel. The thing wouldn't do any real damage, but it would probably smart a bit if you clocked somebody on the noggin.

I made it to the checkout bunker and proceeded to pay. Suddenly, a relic-class female (ie old) cleared her throat in preparation for what I anticipated to be a snarky comment. And I was right.

"Wow, you're just buying a shovel now? Where you been all winter?"

I was taken aback.

"Uh, I live in apartment, and, uh ..."

"So what, Sonny?" (She didn't really say 'Sonny') "I live in a condo, but I have two shovels."

I searched my soul for a comment that wasn't, "Oh really? A condo? I never would have guessed." But sadly, I couldn't find one.

Embarrassed, I signed the credit card receipt and high-tailed in out of there. I may not be able to outwit a 75-year-old lady, but I sure as shit can outrun her.

A lot of people are up in arms about this, and I am one of them ...

2008-02-08T14:14:00.001-06:00

The Democratic Party chooses its candidate based on the number of party delegates won through primaries and caucuses. But is also has a system called super delegates, which allows Democratic party leaders to override the voters.

In California, 2.13 million votes equals 207 pledged delegates, or 10,309 votes per delegate. In South Carolina, 68,000 votes gets you 14 delegates, or 4,857 votes per delegate. In Kansas, even in Kansas, you need 27,172 votes to garner 15 delegates, or about 1800 votes per delegate. But the super delegate system allows one big shot Democrat, one slimy bureaucrat, to assign a delegate without reflecting the will of a single constituent. Am I the only one worried these part leaders will vote overwhelmingly for the candidate who isn't talking about changing the ways of Washington?

Right, now Sens Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are veritably tied for pledged delegates, but Hillary leads the super delegate count 193 to 106. There are 4049 delegates in the Democratic nomination process and 796 of them are super delegates, a staggering 20% of the total delegates. The very existence of this system is an affront to democracy, but this year, it could literally determine the nominee. If Hillary loses on pledged delegates but wins because of super delegates, I will quit America.

Giuliani on Meet the Press

2007-12-11T17:31:00.000-06:00

I spent a lot of time in this month's issue of Bosworth bewailing the state of American Democracy. Voter participation is at alarmingly low rates, mainstream media sources exhaust endless effort to keep consumers from making choices, and the the current leadership seems "will of the people" is a hip new sequel to "Good Willing Hunting." Cue Sunday's "Meet the Press," and

Russert this week interviewed former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Most seemed to think Rudy showed his true colors Sunday, coming off flippant, anxious, and a bit demonic. He shirked and evaded countless questions about corruption allegations, bad judgment, and various combinations of the two.

I suppose Russert effectively backed Rudy into a corner, but I can't help but feel like the entire interview let Giuliani off easy of the biggest problems with his candidacy, namely his loose relationship with the realities of the world as it is. Russert spent the first half of the interview forcing Giuliani to defend a complex record in office that makes him look like a sleazy, small time good-'ol-boys D-bag. He left little time to ask about Rudy's positions on the issues and even less time to follow up on some truly crazy responses. I can't help but feeling like a good portion of the interview gave Rudy Giuliani the soft-core tongue kiss he was hoping for.

As much as I respect Russert, he occasionally puts the "press" in depressing. Take two examples from MTP. First, Russert asked Giuliani if he thought homosexuality is wrong. Giuliani replied:

"My, my, my—no, I don’t believe it’s sinful. My, my moral views on this come from the, you know, from the Catholic Church, and I believe that homosexuality, heterosexuality as a, as a way that somebody leads their life is not—isn’t sinful. It’s the acts, it’s the various acts that people perform that are sinful, not the—not the orientation that they have."

So apparently the centrist position on gays rights, according to Giuliani, is that being gay is perfectly fine (since you're born that way) but acting on the impulse you're born with is a sin. (Giuliani also invoked the Catholic church's official stance on the issue to bolster his point of view... and added that he sins all the time, so he must not be a bigot.)

Next Russert asked Giuliani about a recent bill designed to raise Miles Per Gallon standards in vehicles to an insipidly moderate 35 MPG by 2020. His response?

"I would not do it that way ... I would do it with heavy expansion of hybrid vehicles, which move some of the sources over to electricity, then deal with clean coal, nuclear power, hybrid vehicles, expansion of hydroelectric power, more oil refineries, more domestic oil. All of those things are the things that we should be supporting."

I cut a few things here for space, but two details strike me as relevant. First, Giuliani apparently didn't interpret the question as being about the environment (say, global warming?) at all, but rather, energy independence. Or if he did interpret the question as an environmental one, he apparently thinks more refineries are part of the solution.

So Russert let two fairly substantial substantive points pass, without follow-up, in a row. The guy isn't perfect, and he can't be expected to do everything in one brief hour, but I can't help but identify this moment as a fairly accurate example of the problem with the mainstream (esp. TV) media. MTP is the best political news show on TV, isn't it? So what does that say about the rest of the programming? For the moment, the "gotcha" system of election rigging (let's call it what it actually is) is working against Giuliani, a guy I don't like very much. But let's face it: his actions in allegedly providing security to Judi Nathan when she was his girlfriend promote an image of sleaziness, but have little to do with the future of America.

As much as I like to see Giuliani under scrutiny, I would feel a lot better if the mainstream media would take a closer look the substance of his positions. And that goes for the rest of the Republican field, and the Democrats too.

Ahhh, Vacation ... and "Things in Literature that you can read as being about sex."

2007-11-18T15:30:00.000-06:00

Yes, the University of Iowa's Thanksgiving vacation started as of Friday, and I'm already coming down with a powerful case of the sigh-of-reliefs. In honor of the start of vacation, I thought I would share a little list I have been working on, titled "Things in Literature that you can read as being about sex." Here are a few:

1. Any descriptions of a sword/dagger/knife/spear or other hand-to-hand weapons
2. Any descriptions of carrots, zucchini, cucumbers, or other oblate vegetables
3. Any descriptions of marshmallows, road cones, melons, grapefruits, soccer balls, mashed potato mountains, or other boob-like objects
4. Any action that leads to heavy breathing
5. Any action that leads to happiness
6. Any physical activity
7. Anything round
8. Anything dark
9. Anything wet
10. Anything soft
11. Anything mechanically rhythmic
12. Anything climactic
13. Anything prematurely climactic
14. Pretty much anything

Exorcising the Stress Demon

2007-10-26T09:19:00.000-05:00

Coping with work-related stress is like dealing with an over-sized Halloween Pumpkin. It's messy, it doesn't smell great, and often, working with it is just as hard as letting sit around. Only problem is, if you don't deal with it, it rots.

Another similarity is that stress can be made into pie. Delicious pie.

Forgive the extended metaphor, but I'm going to go ahead and blame my inability to describe stress on, well, the stress. I'm overloaded with more work than I know what to do with and I many of the graduate students I work with. There's something about fall semester, weeks 8-10, that just brings out the worst in all of us.

In the past week or so, I've been looking to add a simple, low maintenance hobby to my routine. Here were the nominees.

1. Hacky sack. I had one of these all last spring and used to love playing with it, even for five minutes, while I took a study break. My old sack was destroyed when my apartment flooded over the summer.

2. Darts. Although my friend Bridget assured me that playing darts is too hickish for me, I thought it might be fun to have a simple recreational implement like a dart board in my house.

3. Putting thingy. Ever seen those golf putter deals for people's living rooms where you can putt into a trap and then it shoots the ball out? I thought about getting one of those.

All three of these "hobbies" seem like easy ways to have a little physical activity in a space where I can run right back to my computer and work on a term paper or whatever once I get back my motivation. (Taking a long walk definitely kills stress, but you always think clearest when you're farthest from home.)

I'm curious what other people do when they're in my situation. I've heard half a dozen graduate students say their hobby used to be "reading" before they came to school. What do people do know to kill the stress demon? Stress ball? Alcohol? Play with dog? Pot?

Calling All Secular Humanists

2007-10-17T21:13:00.000-05:00

W.H. Auden once said great poets have a weakness for bad puns. Similarly, self-indulgent ezine editors have a weakness for bad inside jokes.

This is the story of one of them.

Allow me to explain. I recently decided to integrate a handful of ad parodies onto Bosworth in the hopes that I could add a few guilt free laughs to every page. (Plus it gave me yet another excuse to take an overly aggressive shot at the dairy lobby.) I produced a few ads but wanted something making fun of the "Chickcn Soup for the Soul" series. I settled on "Chicken Soup for the Secular Humanist's Socially Constructed Notion of Post-Identity Selfhood." [View it here] This parody allowed me to make fun of the book series and contemporary identity politics.

I'm a nerd. And it gets worse.

I needed a background image for the ad, so I settled on an old photo of my friend Ben Quick (a University of Arizona Graduate student) relaxing in a hot spring in New Mexico.

Oh, he's also naked in the photo.

Thinking that a gratuitous "dudestick shot" might hurt my readership (or greatly enhance it for all the wrong reasons) I decided to cover up my friend's wang with a pull quote, like you often see in ads for books. But what should it say?

Indulging my geekness yet again, I settled on a quotation. "This book turns me on," says Ben Quick of the University of Arizona.

I want to make it clear that did not even attempt to contact Ben or ask his approval before making this advertisement parody. Some might think me cruel, but, in all honestly, I just didn't want to spoil the joke.

So far, Ben hasn't reacted to the image. Maybe he hasn't seen it yet. Maybe he doesn't care. Or maybe that picture just does turn him on. I hope he doesn't mind. If he files a complaint, I'll set him up with a free copy of "Chicken Soup for the Secular Humanist's Socially Constructed Notion of Post-Identity Selfhood."

600 copies of Annabel Lee

2007-10-08T21:21:00.000-05:00

For those of you not in the know, I recently suffered a tragedy of epic proportions. Some philistine hacked into my printing account on campus (or I left myself logged on in the grad lounge) and printed off 600 copies of the poem "Annabel Lee" by Edgar Allan Poe. This capricious paper ejaculation would have cost me $30, but luckily the ink cartridge police rescinded the charges. Now, as I reflect on what occurred, I can't help but wonder who performed this evil deed and why.

Friends have recommended I commence an investigation. I have another idea.

Instead of using deductive reasoning and/or detection to find the perpetrator, I will employ my skills as a careful reader to assign motive, means, and opportunity. My contention is, in short, that the identity of my foe is embedded in the text of "Annabel Lee," which the offending party almost certainly selected based on a Freudian manifestation of vitriolic loathing.

Poe states, "It was many and many a year ago, / In a kingdom by the sea, / That a maiden there" ... printed 600 copies of this poem. Thus we can conclude, with some assurance, that the offending agent was in fact a woman who had a crush on me some years passed and printed off the text in question as a direct reference to that crush. I clearly knew her when I lived on the east coast, as "the kingdom by the sea" might seem to indicate.

Moving on in the poem, Poe indicates, "The angels, not half so happy in heaven, / Went envying her and me." These lines seem an indisputable reference to my churchgoing days, circa 1989. I attended Sunday school as a nine-year-old, and clearly some woman (possibly my Sunday school teacher) coveted a secret obsession for my waifish form.

Finally, Poe suggests, "the moon never beams without bringing me dreams" of the person who printed off 600 copies of "Annabel Lee" on my account. This line strikes me as classic Poe, shrouded in intrigue yet clearly constructed to make overt reference to a young woman I used to go to church with, whom I mooned one night in the early nineties. This woman, linked to me through clear romantic pretensions, apparently took my gesture as a refutation of her love. Then, for the next 17 years, she wove a plot so clever, so diabolical, that only a student of literature could unshroud it.

Also, I'm not sure how, but I think I may have accidentally proven that Edgar Allan Poe was gay...

Bistort Lives Here???

2007-10-05T08:52:00.000-05:00

Typos suck. They just really suck.

Misspelled words in a website really make that site look unprofessional. That's what everyone says, and that's what I believe. But producing a website that's reasonable error free is a lot harder than you might think. Every month I put "Bosworth Magazine" together, I think I've done a little better job cleaning up the copy, but every month I find (or am told about) a slew of errors.

These errors also make google hate me. You see, google uses tiny super intelligent robots to crawl websites and punish anyone who misspells anything. (These same robots punish you for adult content.) So having a spell checked website matters.

About a month ago I started using a freeware application called "total validator." It checks links, makes sure your content is disability friendly, and points out any word that google would read as a spelling error. In order to use it, all you have to do is type your website URL into a search field and press the "validate" button. Good stuff, right?

Probably the funniest thing about total validator is that it think "Bosworth" is a typo. Every month I turn on this bastard, and it returns 72 misspelled words. By "Bosworth," it indicates, I must have meant "Bistort."

BISTORT??? What the screw is Bistort? And why doesn't total validator know "Bosworth" is a word?

A few days ago, I finally broke down and looked up Bistort. Turns out, it's an herb, "a hardy perennial with slender stems, growing up to 30 inches tall. Each stem is topped by a dense cylindrical cluster of tiny white or pinkish flowers (May-August). Lower down the stem grow long bluish-green leaves that are lance shaped; higher up, the leaves become smaller. The rhizome of bistort (underground stem) is dark brown to black, thick, knobby, and twisted into an S or double-S shape." (http://www.herbs2000.com/herbs/herbs_bistort.htm)

Bistort is also known as Adderwort, Dragonwort, Easter Giant, English Serpentary, Osterick, Passions, Patience Dock, Red Legs, and Sweet Dock.

My favorite is red legs.

So bistort is an herb, and just any herb. During the renaissance, its uses include treating polyps, diarrhea, and dysentery. It can also be applied to relieve sore throats and treat burns. Just like my magazine!

Another funny detail about bistort: it's name derives from the latin for "twice twisted," which I think really does describe Bosworth Magazine. The site's at least once-twisted, anyway. Maybe I should change the name of the thing to Bistort... at the very least I'm going to have to add something about this to my wall of slogans.

PS: Blogger's spell checker doesn't think Bistort is a word, either.

Rejected McSweeney's List

2007-09-17T00:30:00.001-05:00

Submitted a list to McSweeney's about two weeks ago and got a pleasant rejection some time this week. They didn't provide much of a reason for the rejection, so I'll do it now.

1. Not funny enough.
2. Too esoteric.
3. Not current in any way.
4. Funny parts border on goofy rather than hipster-cool sarcastic.
5. Not funny enough.

Anyway, I'm going to keep submitting lists to McSweeney's, but in the meantime, I thought I would share the rejected submission. Enjoy!
-------------
12 differences between my road trip and the lyrics to "America" by Simon and Garfunkel

1. Let us be lovers, we'll trade drugs for cash in the restroom.
2. I've got some mescaline here in my bag.
3. When I asked some guy to toss me a cigarette, he said, "Go fuck yourself."
4. Turns out, the man in the gabardine suit was a pervert. (But his bow tie was really a camera.)
5. The moon rose over a nuclear power plant on Lake Eerie.
6. I'm empty and aching, and I'm pretty sure it's because of what the guy in the gabardine suit said to me.
7. "Kathy, I’m lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping. "Stop talking to me," she replied. "I’m trying to sleep."
8. No laughing on the bus. No games with the faces.
9. Michigan seems like a dream to me now … a dream where you're naked in front of a group of strangers.
10. Counted the D.W.B.s on the New Jersey Turnpike.
11. It took me four days to hitchhike to Saganaw and four years to think of a word that rhymes with Saganaw.
12. Walked off to look for America. Got mugged.

Also, the lyrics to the song, because, you know it's even less funny without them ...

"Let us be lovers we'll marry our fortunes together."
"I've got some real estate here in my bag."
So we bought a pack of cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner pies
And we walked off to look for America.
"Kathy," I said as we boarded a Greyhound in Pittsburgh
"Michigan seems like a dream to me now
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw
I've come to look for America."

Laughing on the bus;
Playing games with the faces;
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy;
I said "Be careful his bowtie is really a camera."

"Toss me a cigarette, I think there's one in my raincoat."
"We smoked the last one an hour ago."
So I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field.

"Kathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping.
"I'm empty and aching and I don't know why."
Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike:
They've all come to look for America
All come to look for America
All come to look for America

The Freewheelin' Hyvee Lady

2007-09-14T11:18:00.000-05:00

Like many people (most of whom are under the age of 13) I love hopping onto the back of my grocery cart and riding it like a race car. I earn this privilege approximately every two weeks after a visit to Hy-Vee or the Fareway grocery store on the corner of Benton and Mormon Trek. I do most of my shopping at the Hy-Vee in southern Iowa City, but I have to say that its counterpart to the north has the best cart riding environment of any grocery store.

The entire parking lot at the north Iowa City Hy-Vee is built on a slope, with the top of the hill at the door. As such, a rambunctious pre-teen (or me) can emerge from a shopping trip and ride the grocery cart all the way from one end of the lot to the other with a single push off. Of course, you often have to dodge traditional consumers and various vehicles, but if you have just the right amount of groceries in your cart, you can steer with a solid lean in one direction or another.

The rules of cart riding are straightforward and simple:
1. Do not ride on an empty cart, as it is likely to flip over.
2. Wait until exiting the store to commence operation cart ride.
3. Do not hit vehicles.
4. Do not ride grocery carts on a city street, a county road, or a US highway.
5. Other modifications to the ritual, including racing strange children, are permissible, and often encouraged.

While this system of grocery cart riding may seem crazy and/or overly complicated, I assure one and all that I am not alone in my love of cart riding. Just the other day, I saw a young woman in Hy-Vee jump onto the back of her cart and ride it like a race car. Of course, she broke rule no. 2, breaking into race car mode just past the cereal isle inside the store.

But I just laughed out loud as she passed. She was the absolute picture of freewheelin' carefree exuberance. Plus she had a giant tear across the ass of her pants, causing her underwear to flap in the wind like a racing flag.

Chasing the Diesel Demon

2007-09-07T09:12:00.000-05:00

A few years ago I first heard someone articulate the idea that God created the world's oil supply, injecting into deep pockets beneath the earth so that humans wouldn't discover it until they were ready to build a fuel based economy. The resulting rationale, of course, is that God wants us to use the oil ... and that when it gets close to running out, the Big Boss will offer us a refill.

I've never taken much stock in this theory, but yesterday, on my walk to school, I encountered a few obstacles that made me think God must really want me to drive.

The Wetter the Better
People seldom blame God for the weather, for for the life of me I can't imagine why. (It could be because Global Warming is caused by humans, but I'll have to check.) In all seriousness, the day just miserable. Wednesday (walking again) I got caught in the middle of a torrential downpour, so, Friday morning when I saw the overcast sky, I almost jumped right into my car.

Train in Vain

A few blocks from my house, I hit a roadblock. Literally. A twenty-car train had stopped and shut off its engine directly obstructing the road. I looked to the left. I looked to the right. In each direction, train as far as the eye could see. No way around. A crowd of students on their way to class had amassed, suggesting that the iron horse had been stationary for some time. A railroad crossing sign rang repetitively not far from my ear. Long story short, I did what anyone would do (and what at least one other person did do): I climbed up the ladder on the side of the train, negotiated the space between to rail cars, and jumped through.

Hands Clean
Shortly after auditioning for John Cusack's role in the "The Journey of Natty Gann,"* I noticed my hands had been dirtied in the process. A strange soot-like residue had transferred from the train to my person. One more thing that made me want to hop in the car.

Truckin'?
Fate can be a funny thing. Was it fate that it rained two days in row? Probably not. Was it fate that a train had blocked the road? Actually, it probably had more to do with the train schedule. But surely fate made me jump through? Well, no. As amatter of fact, this story has nothing to do with fate, or God for that matter. It's about choices, like choosing to walk to school, even if it's annoying, because it saves me money and uses less gas, which is theoretically good for the environment. Unless of course God wants Global Warming to happen, so it will hasten the apocalypse. In that case, I'm probably just a sinner.

*For more information about "The Journey of Natty Gann," please consult IMDB.

Bosworth Lives Here ...

2007-08-14T00:26:00.000-05:00

Q: What do you call three days of debating, fighting, pestering, and kvetching?
A: Father/son love.

Last weekend I had the rare joy of playing host to my Dad, who visited me in Iowa City on his way from Maine to California. Anyone who knows Sholom has a solid sense of what I mean when I say that the visit was eventful.

He came bearing gifts, including a sign he made for me out of a few pieces of driftwood he picked up on the beach in Maine. On this sign he wrote "Bosworth Lives Here." What tickled me most about the gesture was that he found a really original way to say, good work" or "I'm proud of you for trying something different" or maybe just "can I have a job?" Any way you slice it, he went out of his way to acknowledge a project that's been on my mind for the past few months. Ergo ... I share a simple photograph of the sign ...

In honor of the signpost, I've also created a Facebook group called "Bosworth Lives Here." I hope you'll all join ... I promise not to use the group in an attempt to mobilize a revolution. Click here to sign up for the "Bosworth Lives Here" Facebook group.

The Peanut Butter Mother F-cking Solution

2007-08-06T22:28:00.001-05:00

Well, I recently got back to Iowa, and had a bunch of eventful things happen to me and everything, but I don't really feel like typing all that out at the moment. I'm too worked up, because I just found out the name of a movie I've been wondering about for about 20 years.

I saw this movie when I was about six, about a kid who wishes something (or something) and loses all his hair. Then he takes this peanut butter potion deal, which causes his hair to grow like 4 feet long. Then the kid gets kidnapped by an artist who is using human hair for his paint brushes. I have gone along for the past two decades not knowing the name of the movie, but, needless to say, it left an impression. At the time I had long hair, so this movie scared the bloody bejesus out of me. As I got older, this sense of fear turned to curiosity. What was the name of this movie? Had anyone else seen it?

Each time I asked someone I knew whether they'd seen a film like this, however, they returned a blank stare, as if to say: "Lavin, you are a nut."

But I'm not a nut.

(Not about this, anyway.)

I recently stumbled upon the name of the flick. "The Peanut Butter Solution." Then I found it on IMDB. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089789/ (It's also on wikipedia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Peanut_Butter_Solution, and there's a trailer on youtube) I immediately felt a combination of relief and self-righteous anger toward anyonewho ever doubted the existence of this movie.

Probably the funniest part of the experience was reading the the primary user review:

"I've been working in videos stores for 5yrs now and every time someone new comes and works in the video store I always ask have you ever seen a movie where this kid loses his hair and uses this stuff with peanut butter in it to make his hair grow. And everyone always looks at me strangely and say no. I had seen this movie in school a few times when i was 6 or 7 and it also scared the crap out of me and made a lasting impression but didn't know the name of the movie. So finally I did a random search and typed in peanut butter in a movie search engine and got the title Peanut Butter Solution."

You can't make this crap up. Anyone seen it?

Back in the U.S.S.A.

2007-07-19T07:10:00.001-05:00

I returned from Europe Tuesday night and have spent the last day and a half resting in New York City, "the most relaxing place in the world" (Dept. of "Not True" Official Report). Given time to reflect on my month in Europe, I'm sure a whole series of insights about the nature of cultural identity will emerge from my skull. For the moment, however, I think "I'm glad to be back" is a fair sentiment. Setting aside where I was and what I did, I've been moving from bed to bed since June 14. A different bed every week, a different pillow with each bed, a different nutritional philosophy with each destination, and a different toilet, with its own special quirks, in every hostel.

I'm glad to be back.

I also had a great time.

To everyone who told me I'd love Europe, yup. I met a handful of really cool people, saw some truly incredible sites, and spent day after day just feeling pretty good.

OK, one cultural insight before I sign off. One thing I've always wondered was whether my sense of humor would work in other countries. I like to goof around, as some people may know, and I often fail miserably to elicit laughter. The most obvious explanation for these occasional missteps is that my jokes really are funny but their style is too "European" for anyone to understand. When I got to Europe, I was glad to see that my sense of humor did in fact translate. (Well, not in Scotland. I couldn't understand anything they said, so I didn't try any jokes.)

Surprisingly, people actually laughed at some of my jokes. Sometimes they were probably just laughing at me, but sometimes the humor did seem to translate. So to everyone who thinks I'm not funny, I'm gonna get a T-shirt or something that says "my jokes are funny in Europe." That'll show 'em. That'll show 'em real good.

Edinburgh

2007-06-22T03:13:00.000-05:00

Arrived in Edinburgh Wednesday and having been having a ball here the past two days. It's a magical city, full of brogues, bitters, and a castle in the middle of town. On the first night, I went to the opera with my friend Bridget's friend Laura, who is here studying. The evening was slightly sullied when we were caught in the one of the craziest rain storms I have ever seen. We ran all the way to the opera through pouring rain, dodging literal rivers in the streets. We arrived sopping wet, and a bit cold, but we persevered and had a great time. Heading to Paris tomorrow...

Summer Travel

2007-06-18T11:03:00.000-05:00

I once read an Aldous Huxley quotation that said, "You never really have to go anywhere. If you look hard enough, you're already there." I thought the line was interesting, so I repeated to my mother. She stared off at the wall for a few seconds, as she often did when I presented her with something she didn't like. Then she replied, "He sounds like one of those writers who took a lot of LSD."

P.S., she was right. Huxley took hallucinogenic drugs, and a wrote a book about it called "The Door of Perception." The book later inspired the name of a rock band called The Doors. So I'm on vacation in New York City over father's day weekend, and here I am thinking about my mother. Fair enough. I left Iowa City last Thursday, flying from Moline to Chicago, and Chicago to Laguardia Airport in New York City. I've spent the past few days here, and I'm headed for Europe tomorrow.

New York has been an exhausting blast. Restaurants, bars, hotels, walking in Central Park in noonday sun. I'm heading back out tonight, but for now I'm content to sit idly and listen to the traffic go by. I walk outside, and a feeling of floating comes over. Unburdened, lightheaded, an unexpected sensation of joy. A feeling of freedom.

Or maybe I took too much LSD. Either way, it's been fun.

I Just Saw a Preview for a New Show This Fall...

2007-06-10T12:06:00.001-05:00

Has anyone seen the preview for or heard about a new show this fall on CBS called "Kid Nation"? It takes 40 kids, ages 8 to 15, and drops them off in an abandoned town somewhere in the desert. They have to form their own government, divide labor, and decide who to gang up on. It's being billed as a space with "no parents" and "no teachers," although somehow I doubt they will provide a truly adult-free zone. The camera operators, at least, have to be adults, right? (It's a union thing, I think.)

I have no plans to watch this show. However, it'll be hard to avoid the temptation, because I am 99 percent certain someone is going to die. Comparisons to "Lord of Flies" are hard to miss. It will take about three weeks, I predict, before one of the kids comes up with the idea that Jenny Mitchell's "witchcraft" caused the crop to fail ... or something equally crazy. Then Jenny will mysteriously disappear, and next thing you know, the kids will be eating Osh Kosh B'Gosh flavored mystery steaks.

The saddest part of the upcoming show is that, as a voter, I am so desperate for a new kind of politics that putting kids in charge of a society doesn't seem like a bad idea. If we give them enough time, maybe the kids will figure out a plan for Iraq. The youngest kids on the show will be eight, so they'll probably have a slightly better understanding of geopolitics than the president. Maybe we should skip the show altogether and put the kids in charge of the U.S.

Click here for a preview of CBS' "Kid Nation."

MacGyver Quiz + Answers

2007-06-06T10:14:00.000-05:00

On June 1, I included in my online magazine an article about the show "MacGyver." I recommended as humbly as I know how that fans of the show unite and take over the world. Read more about my "ideas" here. Before we do this, however, we have to root out the insincere "MacGyver" fans. If you think you might qualify as a fan, take this brief quiz. You can then check it against the answers posted below. Post your score as a reply to this message.

The Quiz

1. What was MacGyver’s first name?

2. What was MacGyver’s personal motto?

3. What sport did he play?

4. His haircut was a _______

5. MacGyver lived in a _______ until it was destroyed

6. Mac’s friend, the airplane pilot, was named _______

7. Triggering quote from 1989 episode “Brainwashed.” (9 words)

8. Mac never carries a _______

9. He always carries _______ and _______

10. Teri Hatcher played this recurring character on MacGyver

11. This “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” cast member guest starred twice on MacGyver, as two different characters.

12. MacGyver kept killing him, but he kept coming back. Who is he?

13. MacGyver drove this vehicle for the first few seasons.

14. He worked for the _______

15. Mac’s grandfather was named _______

16. Two settings for MacGyver “time travel” episodes.

17. In “The Gauntlet” (episode 1.04) he used this object to patch a hole in a hot air balloon.

18. Pete Thornton was MacGyver’s _______

19. MacGyver’s alma mater, as indicated in the episode “Hell Week.”

20. Lisa Woodman, played by “Blossom” star Mayim Bialik, had this problem in the episode “Twenty Questions.”

And now...

The answers ....

SPOILER ALERT!

1. Angus

2. I’m not perfect … yet!

3. hockey

4. mullet

5. houseboat

6. Jack Dalton

7. From the bottom of my heart, I salute you

8. gun

9. duct tape, Swiss army knife

10. Penny Parker

11. Nana Visitor

12. Murdoch

13. Jeep Wrangler

14. Phoenix Foundation

15. Harry

16. Wild West, Arthurian Britain

17. A map

18. boss

19. Western Tech

20. alcohol abuse

Summer Reading

2007-05-25T10:17:00.000-05:00

My summer is about three class days away from its official beginning, and I'm becoming increasingly eager to start my summer reading. To the skeptic, it may seem ridiculous for a PhD in English to anticipate this aspect of his life, but, as I've explained to many people, studying literature kind of turns reading into a job. For me anyway, I find myself reading a lot of stuff I'm not supposed to enjoy ... in a way that barely resembles what the average person would considering "reading." What I do, you might more accurately describe as reading's ugly cousin.

Finally, with summer arriving, I have a list of books that I hope will be fun to read. This list is more wish list than a commitment, but I hope to tackle as many of these as possible. I can add, delighted, that none of these are meant to help me become a better graduate student, though they might just happen to do so. I'm not reading anything I don't want to read.

1. The Road, by Cormac McCarthy. The Oprah has spoken. When Oprah tells you to read a book, you must obey. In all seriousness, this book is about a father and son traversing the burned remains of a nuclear apocalypse. It's right up my alley.

2. The Left Hand of Darkness, by Ursula K. LeGuin. This book is considered one of the first major works of feminist sci fi (according to wikipedia anyway).

3. Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen. I'm always complaining that I don't like nineteenth-century British fiction, and the inevitable retort is always, "have you read Pride and Prejudice?" No, I haven't, but I will. If I don't like it, it's not my fault. I'm just saying.

4. The Beekeeper's Apprentice, by Laurie R. King. This is an updated rewrite of the Sherlock Holmes saga. An intelligent young woman becomes his protege.

5. Ender's Game, by Orson Scott Card. I've been meaning to read this for a very long time but never got around to it.

6. A Week on the Concord and Merrimack Rivers, by Henry David Thoreau. Like Walden only longer and more pensive, I can't promise to make it all the way through this one. But I wanted to check it out.

7. Valis, Philip K. Dick. "A theological detective story" (back cover) by the author whose various writings led to the movies Blade Runner, A Scanner Darkly, Paycheck, and Minority Report. I wanted to read one of Dick's books, preferably one not based on a movie I've already seen. Extra preferably one not based on a Ben Affleck movie.

8. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, by Michael Chabon. Another book I've long been meaning to read, this one's about the creators of a comic book "Golden Age" of comics.

Others, if I have time.
9. The Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.
10. Epileptic
11. Roughing It
12. Everything is Illuminated
13. Nothing by Faulkner
14. Nothing by Stein
15. Nothing by Derrida
--------------------------------------------------------

Anyone else got any good recommendations?
Anyone reading the same books this summer?
Anyone already read something one my list and want to warn me to stay away?
Do tell.

Is "Presidenting" as Hard as Will Ferrell Says It Is?

2007-05-15T22:04:00.000-05:00

Remember the Saturday Night Live skit from December 2000, just after the US Supreme Court appointed George W. Bush president? SNL's gore (played by Darrell Hammond) sits down with SNL's Bush (played by Will Ferrell) at a Chili's in Washington DC. Bush can't decide what to order (or maybe he just can't pronounce what he's trying to order) and he remarks, "Arghhh, presidenting is hard!!!"

If you don't remember this skit, don't worry. There won't be a quiz. I mention it mostly because I was recently named one of three presidents of the University of Iowa's Association of Graduate Students in English ... or AGSE if you will. (Congratulations to my two co-presidents, Anna Stenson and Stephanie Blalock.)

This much appreciate piece of good news reminded me of a favorite Calvin and Hobbes comic from long ago. Calvin's father, in a classically futile move, tries to award Calvin an allowance, explaining up front that authority and responsibility go hand in hand. Observe:

Is it odd that being named president reminded me of Calvin's devilish reaction? No. It simply points to humanity's occasionally Machiavellian nature. Power corrupts.

Luckily for anyone concerned, I resemble Calvin in several ways. Like a young boy with a quarter, the power I wield is minuscule. I have no nominating powers, no veto authority, no wiretapping privileges, no personalized escort or entourage. No finger on the button. No interns. I've never claimed to be the decider, and the buck, if it stops at all, stops far, far away from my desk.

In all seriousness, I look forward to the position. Hopefully it won't interfere with my long established commitment to aloofness, laziness, procrastination, whimsical tomfoolery, and head-in-the-clouds foolishness.