Try a Little Bitterness

Like most news junkies, I've been paying attention to Sen. Barack Obama's so-called gaff in referring to rural Pennsylvanians as "bitter." I don't think his comments are as inflammatory as some would like, and I certainly don't think Obama is elitist. But I like this story, because I have been entertained by some of the headlines, which have creatively punned on the word bitter. For example, MSNBC had the tag "Obama's 'bitter' pill" on one show and "Obama's 'bitter' End?" on another. Great stuff, but we need to go further. How about ...

--Pennsylvania: I can't believe it's not bitter
--Obama versus Hillary: bitter take all
--Obama, bitter off dead?
--Bittersweet minus sweet equals Obama
--Hillary: All bark, no bitter
--Obama charged with "assault and bittery"

The Karate Kid (Ralph Macchio) Endorses Obama

I recently saw a report analyzing the "news" that Ralph Macchio, star of "The Karate Kid," "The Karate Kid Part II," and "The Karate Kid Part III" but not "The Next Karate Kid," is supporting Sen. Barack Obama for president. Macchio apparently expressed support for the candidate as far back as February, but it took some time for the news to reach the mainstream media. (Side note: the search string "Ralph Macchio Obama" returns zero results on Google news, while the search "Ralph Macchio dead" returns three stories.) Some may find Daniel San's endorsement odd, but I can think of at least a half dozen reasons why the alliance is an appropriate one:

1. Obama's campaign, like the Karate Kid films, represents a message of transcendent racial unity.
2. Obama, like the Karate Kid, wishes he could win current contest with a well placed crane kick.
3. Both Obama and Macchio look cooler when Peter Cetera song "Glory of Love" plays in the background.
4. Villains in Karate Kid wear black "Cobra Kai" karate outfits, so you know they're bad. ... Neocons use less subtle tactics, like preemptive war and suspension of Habeas corpus.
5. The fourth (and final?) Karate Kid movie stars Hilary Swank. If the Obama campaign fails, it may also be followed by a derivative, poorly made sequel starring someone named Hillary.
6. Mr. Miyagi would make a great "Secretary of Kicking Ass." (While Pat Morita, who played Miyagi, died several years ago, he is still in better shape than McCain. If they ever got in a fight, Morita wouldn't even have to throw a punch. he'd just dodge McCain's attacks, causing McCain to punch through several car windows and bloody up his own knuckles. Then Morita would honk his nose and declare victory.)