My Contribution to Psychology

I have this theory that psychology students and professors alike love it when you make jokes about being crazy. But recently I saw an advertisement on University of Iowa Jobnet for a research subject and thought, what a good time to test my theory. They were looking for someone to "participate in perception, memory, and language experiments," which sounded great. Here's my rough draft ...

Dear Psychology Jesus,

I am very sane and would like to help you find the crazy people and put them away. These lunatics are everywhere. They yell at me a lot. Make them stop we shall. Sign me up, bitches!

So when they read this I figure they'll either be like, "Wow, he's crazy. We need more of that guy in our life" or at the very least, they'll get a good chuckle out of it. (It's funny because I'm mocking their profession.)

Yup, even the old ladies at K-Mart make fun of me

On Friday I finally faced reality. I broke down and bought a snow shovel. This is the first snow shovel I've owned in Iowa, for two main reasons: I have always lived in an apartment where someone else maintains the sidewalks, and I have a 4x4 pickup truck that can pretty much drive over anything. These two factors made a snow shovel unnecessary for the past two years.

But in the past weeks, weather has been extreme, including snow storms, ice-overs, and consistently frigid temperatures with few if any melts. This weather has been great because it provides even the most disagreeable people (i.e me) with a sinister force to blame their problems on. The old standards--Hillary Clinton and Fluffernutter--only go so far.

Yes, terrible weather is blessing from God, except when it comes to snow/ice removal. So I broke down and went to K-Mart and picked out a reasonably priced snow shovel. I had a great time selecting the item, since there was only one shovel left in the store, then I walked up to the front. This may have been the best part of the experience, since I spent the whole time fantasizing about running into my enemies and hitting them with said shovel. The thing wouldn't do any real damage, but it would probably smart a bit if you clocked somebody on the noggin.

I made it to the checkout bunker and proceeded to pay. Suddenly, a relic-class female (ie old) cleared her throat in preparation for what I anticipated to be a snarky comment. And I was right.

"Wow, you're just buying a shovel now? Where you been all winter?"

I was taken aback.

"Uh, I live in apartment, and, uh ..."

"So what, Sonny?" (She didn't really say 'Sonny') "I live in a condo, but I have two shovels."

I searched my soul for a comment that wasn't, "Oh really? A condo? I never would have guessed." But sadly, I couldn't find one.

Embarrassed, I signed the credit card receipt and high-tailed in out of there. I may not be able to outwit a 75-year-old lady, but I sure as shit can outrun her.

A lot of people are up in arms about this, and I am one of them ...

The Democratic Party chooses its candidate based on the number of party delegates won through primaries and caucuses. But is also has a system called super delegates, which allows Democratic party leaders to override the voters.

In California, 2.13 million votes equals 207 pledged delegates, or 10,309 votes per delegate. In South Carolina, 68,000 votes gets you 14 delegates, or 4,857 votes per delegate. In Kansas, even in Kansas, you need 27,172 votes to garner 15 delegates, or about 1800 votes per delegate. But the super delegate system allows one big shot Democrat, one slimy bureaucrat, to assign a delegate without reflecting the will of a single constituent. Am I the only one worried these part leaders will vote overwhelmingly for the candidate who isn't talking about changing the ways of Washington?

Right, now Sens Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are veritably tied for pledged delegates, but Hillary leads the super delegate count 193 to 106. There are 4049 delegates in the Democratic nomination process and 796 of them are super delegates, a staggering 20% of the total delegates. The very existence of this system is an affront to democracy, but this year, it could literally determine the nominee. If Hillary loses on pledged delegates but wins because of super delegates, I will quit America.