Yup, even the old ladies at K-Mart make fun of me

On Friday I finally faced reality. I broke down and bought a snow shovel. This is the first snow shovel I've owned in Iowa, for two main reasons: I have always lived in an apartment where someone else maintains the sidewalks, and I have a 4x4 pickup truck that can pretty much drive over anything. These two factors made a snow shovel unnecessary for the past two years.

But in the past weeks, weather has been extreme, including snow storms, ice-overs, and consistently frigid temperatures with few if any melts. This weather has been great because it provides even the most disagreeable people (i.e me) with a sinister force to blame their problems on. The old standards--Hillary Clinton and Fluffernutter--only go so far.

Yes, terrible weather is blessing from God, except when it comes to snow/ice removal. So I broke down and went to K-Mart and picked out a reasonably priced snow shovel. I had a great time selecting the item, since there was only one shovel left in the store, then I walked up to the front. This may have been the best part of the experience, since I spent the whole time fantasizing about running into my enemies and hitting them with said shovel. The thing wouldn't do any real damage, but it would probably smart a bit if you clocked somebody on the noggin.

I made it to the checkout bunker and proceeded to pay. Suddenly, a relic-class female (ie old) cleared her throat in preparation for what I anticipated to be a snarky comment. And I was right.

"Wow, you're just buying a shovel now? Where you been all winter?"

I was taken aback.

"Uh, I live in apartment, and, uh ..."

"So what, Sonny?" (She didn't really say 'Sonny') "I live in a condo, but I have two shovels."

I searched my soul for a comment that wasn't, "Oh really? A condo? I never would have guessed." But sadly, I couldn't find one.

Embarrassed, I signed the credit card receipt and high-tailed in out of there. I may not be able to outwit a 75-year-old lady, but I sure as shit can outrun her.