Hatch (R-Utah) has given up his child-eating ways

Whether or not the rumors of Orrin Hatch's "kiddie freezer", wherein he keeps various body parts from a diverse group of multi-ethnic children (mostly poor), are anything more than hearsay, the senator has taken a stance that will at least throw doubt on his snacking habits. As Pres Bush vetoed the bi-partisan CHIP (Children's Healthcare Insurance Program) bill, Hatch emerged as one of the move's top critics.


"Sleazy bastard," Hatch remarked in reference to the president while backing senate majority leader Harry Reid at the important pulpit on the senate floor. That was the only interesting nugget I could gather from the nonsensical blathering about "this precedent" and "those poor children" exchanged between the parties.

Personally, I've given him the benefit of the doubt on this one by allowing myself to consider the possibility that the senator's alleged midnight "rejuvenating, power snacks" of "tender loins" or "aged wine with soft liver" might be untrue, or at least exaggerated. Even so, I think he's pushing the compassion button really hard here. Who is going to believe that he cares for poor children the most? He may have lost touch with reality. He cares about children? Maybe. The cute ones, at least (the rumor goes that he only eats ugly kids.) But poor kids? That's an offense against freedom, twice over.


Of course, this could all just be the result of a shortage of lean, healthy kiddies. Maybe he's getting tired of sickly or fatty drumsticks. That's the suspicion at the Hang Your Hat cafe where I came across this information over my morning coffee and gristle. If you ever stop in I'd recommend the naturally corned-beef: the corn-fed cows 'round these parts just start tasting that way.